Saving survivors

Texas veteran, survivor of military sexual trauma helps other soldiers heal in the aftermath of an assault

By Haeven Gibbons

United States Military Academy graduating cadets march to their graduation ceremony of the U.S. Military Academy class 2021 at Michie Stadium on May 22, 2021, in West Point, N.Y. U.S. Officials say reported sexual assaults at the U.S. military academies increased sharply during the 2020-2021 school year, as students returned to in-person classes amid the ongoing pandemic. (AP Photo/Eduardo Munoz Alvarez, File)

She didn’t want to get out of bed.

The curtains stayed closed.

She painted the walls of her rooms "extremely dark."

The world was dark when Stephanie Gattas had finished her eight-year enlistment in the Navy.

She returned home to Texas angry and combative.

At 18, she left home excited to defend her country. She returned haunted by enduring years of sexual harassment and a sexual assault. The perpetrators: fellow sailors, some even held leadership roles.

Gattas was attacked in 1995, a decade before the Department of Defense established the Sexual Assault Prevention and Response Program (SAPR) to promote prevention, encourage increased reporting of the crime and improve response capabilities for victims.

Since fiscal year 2005, the DOD has released an annual report on sexual assault involving members of the Armed Forces. The most recent described sexual assault and harassment as “persistent and corrosive problems” across the military.

The September report estimated 8.4% of active duty women and 1.5% of active duty men indicated experiencing an incident of unwanted sexual contact in the year prior to being surveyed. While the department says it has changed the metric used to measure sexual assault, the 2018 rates were 6.2% for women and 0.7% for men.

Rates of sexual harassment, gender discrimination and workplace hostility — behaviors linked to risk of sexual assault — increased for women throughout the active force compared to 2018.

And while LGBTQ service members represented only 12% of active duty members in 2018, they accounted for 43% of all sexually assaulted service members that year, according to data analyzed by the Rand Corp.

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The problem is pervasive in Texas. A 2021 report from the Rand Corp. suggested that female soldiers at Army bases in the state face the highest risk of sexual assault and harassment.

In April 2020 Army specialist Vanessa Guillen went missing from Fort Hood. Her family demanded a search. Her mother said Guillen had said she was sexually harassed and was scared.

Guillen’s remains were found about 20 miles east of Fort Hood. She had been dismembered and set afire. Investigators believe she was bludgeoned to death by a fellow soldier, Spc. Aaron Robinson, who killed himself during the investigation. His former girlfriend, Cecily Aguilar, 22, of Killeen, Texas, pleaded guilty to being an accessory after the fact and making false statements.

While the Army initially said that there was no evidence that Guillen was sexually harassed, a U.S. Army Investigation, released a year after her death, found that Guillen did report being sexually harassed two times by a fellow soldier at Fort Hood. Officials failed to report the harassment up the chain of command, according to the report.

Her death sparked national awareness on the prevalence of sexual assault and harassment in the military.

Offerings sit in front of a mural of slain Army Spc. Vanessa Guillen painted on a wall in the south side of Fort Worth, Texas, Saturday, July 11, 2020. U.S. (AP Photo/LM Otero)

In this July 30, 2020, file photo, supporters of the family of slain Army Spc. Vanessa Guillen march to the White House along the National Mall as Capitol Hill is seen in the distance after a news conference in Washington. (AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster, File)

‘Am I supposed to adapt and overcome this?’

Gattas planned to make a career out of the Navy when she enlisted in 1994. Her first duty station was on the USS Simon Lake. The 20,000 ton 643 foot submarine tender traveled from country to country to aid combat ships that needed missiles or help. Sometimes the crew would be on the water for more than 90 days.

Sexual harassment was rampant.

“It was often this thing where it was kind of like the rite of passage, and I guess the norm,” Gattas said. “For me, it became something more of a, ‘Am I supposed to adapt and overcome this? Am I supposed to just allow them to speak to me a certain way?'”

Click to listen in her own words

“To make advances?”

“To follow me?”

“To stalk me?’”

Gattas lived in “fight mode.”

She said she reported the harassment to leadership who said they would take care of it, but the environment only became more permissive.

It was even common for those in leadership to make advances.

The ship was a trap. She and the other women would have to pass their perpetrators in the long hallways connected by vestibule doors. Share meals in the galley. And work besides them.

When the ship docked, Gattas would go out with her friends. One night, after going out to drink, she was assaulted.

She blamed herself: “I should have never drank. I should have never allowed myself to let my guard down.”

Click to listen in her own words

She couldn’t wait for her time in the military to be over.

Her experience wasn’t rare, she said. But challenging the “status quo” wasn’t an option, Gattas said.

Many active duty women face pressure not to report incidents of sexual harassment or assault because of retaliation and ostracism. An estimated 66% of service members who reported retaliation after filing a sexual assault complaint were women, according to data compiled by Protect Our Defenders.

Less than half of women perceived their leaders as acting in a fully supportive manner after they reported sexual harassment, according to the latest Defense Department report. About 7% of men and 21% of women said filing a sexual harassment complaint would be “too risky.”

After experiencing military sexual trauma, Gattas was diagnosed with moderate-to-severe PTSD and moderate-to-severe major depressive disorder.

She contemplated suicide.

“You're never the same when you leave,” said Gattas, who is now 47. “You have a traumatic experience and then you just don't feel whole again.”

Sexual assault and harassment in the military is compounded by the fact that the targets and the aggressors are supposed to protect one another and they are supposed to be working toward a common goal.

“The military is a culture — it has ideals, it has a history behind it,” said Dr. Lewis Jeffery Lee, a retired U.S. Navy Seal, licensed therapist and mental health chaplain. Lee is the author of "Moral Injury Reconciliation: A Practitioner’s Guide for Treating Moral Injury, PTSD, Grief, and Military Sexual Trauma through Spiritual Formation Strategies."

“So when folks come into the military, generally they are trusting because of the high standards of discipline and ethical behaviors expected,” he said.

Soldiers and sailors are taught to rely on one another, to work as a team, to foster an environment of protection and respect. These fundamental principles define military life.

“What happens when that's violated?” Lee said. “It’s very devastating.”

Military sexual trauma is more likely to result in post-traumatic stress disorder than going into combat, according to the Department of Defense Office of the Inspector General. Survivors often suffer from anxiety, depression and panic disorders. They are also at a higher risk of dying by suicide. Many survivors may also experience receptive moral injury which occurs when one’s morals or values are violated by the actions of someone they trust or look up to.

Gattas couldn’t find help that addressed her experiences.

“The more that I learned there wasn't really anything available, the more I understood that I was going to have to create something,” Gattas said.

In 2015, she founded The Pink Berets, a nonprofit organization helping women soldiers and veterans suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, mental and emotional trauma. However, most of the women have experienced military sexual trauma.

“On the outside, the majority of us don't look disabled,” Gattas said. “But when you really get to the root of what it is that we're suffering from, and you get to the root of our trauma, and you get to the root of these invisible injuries, you really start to uncover exactly how much help is needed.”

Graduating U.S. Naval Academy Midshipmen throw their hats into the air to cap off their graduation and commissioning ceremonies, Friday, May 24, 2013, in Annapolis, Md. President Barack Obama urged new graduates to exhibit honor and courage in tackling incidents of sexual assault as they assume leadership positions in the military. (AP Photo/Patrick Semansky)

In this Sept. 14, 2019, file photo U.S. Army Lt. Gen. Pat White, III Armored Corps Commanding General, center left, and Commanding General for U.S. Central Command Gen. Kenneth F. McKenzie Jr. center right, take part in a transfer authority ceremony at Union III, base in Baghdad, Iraq. White is the Fort Hood commander and he is facing the grim task of rebuilding trust and turning around an installation that has one of the highest rates of murder, sexual assault and harassment in the Army. (AP Photo/Khalid Mohammed, File)

A graduating U.S. Naval Academy Midshipman marches into the Academy's graduation and commissioning ceremonies, Friday, May 24, 2013, in Annapolis, Md. President Barack Obama urged new graduates to exhibit honor and courage in tackling incidents of sexual assault as they assume leadership positions in the military. (AP Photo/Patrick Semansky)

Providing a holistic path to healing

The Pink Berets help women identify what triggered their PTSD, anxiety, depression or other mental health issues, whether it be due to combat or related to surviving a sexual assault.

The organization has a holistic approach. Equine, culinary and art therapies allow women to explore new skills and build confidence. The range of activities let women choose the tools that help them heal best.

“If you build an infrastructure that allows them to define what those building blocks look like, then you can help somebody with a fractured psyche become normal again,” Gattas said.

All kinds of women needed help: veterans, officers, active duty soldiers.

“You have women from all walks of life, saying ‘I finally found something for me.'"
Stephanie Gattas

“To think that they felt there wasn't anything out there for them was heartbreaking, but at the same time, we realized that what we did was create something very unique,” Gattas said.

Women can participate in the therapies for as long as they need. Veterans and volunteers oversee most of these activities, which are funded through private donors and sponsors. Some therapies take place with a private clinician, while culinary and art therapy take place at the Endeavors Veteran Wellness Center in San Antonio.

Clients can be referred from the VA, private therapists, social media and word of mouth. The Pink Berets group has ambassadors across the nation who spread awareness about the organization, which has served over 3,600 women through online and in-person programs.

The organization’s programs are not “one-size-fits-all,” Gattas said. Some women evaluate the goals and actions of the organization for months before signing up.

When your moral code is violated, it can be hard to seek help from trusted family members, friends or colleagues, Lee said.

Those who need help “have to show up and allow us to provide the tools necessary for them to grow,” Gattas said. “Trusting us to provide the environment is key.”

Ayana Brown, a Navy veteran, discovered The Pink Berets in 2017. After being honorably discharged in 2005, she struggled with paranoia, hypervigilance, anxiety, depression and anger that affected nearly every aspect of her life.

“Before, I had never heard of such a thing, I was just doing everything on my own, trying to figure it out,” said Brown.

Brown was sexually assaulted twice while in the Navy — the first time by her recruiter before she left for bootcamp.

The Pink Berets helped Brown manage her MST symptoms and begin to repair some of her damaged relationships.

A foodie, the culinary classes are Brown’s favorite therapy. Recipe cards for pear and goat cheese crostini, honey tamarind glazed baby-back ribs and boursin mashed potatoes are stashed in her kitchen.

She is always eager to learn from the chefs who are usually veterans using cooking as their therapy too. Taking the time to prepare ingredients and learn different ways to cut vegetables gets her outside of her comfort zone and teaches her life lessons: the importance of stepping back and taking the time to prepare.

“It was amazing to be in the room with that, to learn from that, to just be exposed to different things that I can do for myself to make me feel good,” Brown said.

Brown’s husband has even gone to a few classes. Gattas said it’s important to include the womens’ families because the issues often impact the entire family.

Gattas said cooking helped her heal.

“To me, cooking was something that was very therapeutic, and it still is,” Gattas said. “I love to cook. I love to explore different recipes. And so for me, it made me wonder, what if this could help someone else?”

Rebuilding trust

Brown still has physical pains that stem from the sexual assaults. She can’t be in a room with the door closed with a male colleague — it’s one of her triggers. She’s still mending personal relationships.

But she no longer feels alone in her journey to heal, and she’s rebuilding trust. The Pink Berets helped her recognize she was struggling because of the trauma from the sexual assaults.

Working alongside other women veterans and soldiers who have experienced similar pain helps foster an environment of trust.

Gaining people’s trust is “vital” for healing, but it’s one of the biggest challenges, Gattas said.

“It takes us recognizing that it'll take time — you have women that it's one foot in one foot out,” Gattas said. “We have to give grace. We have to understand that sometimes they can feel ready, they're gonna have that leap of faith that they can do this, and then they'll succumb to depression or they'll succumb to anxiety. I've been there.”

Being able to understand what many of the women have been through, helps, Gattas said.

“When you have an organization such as The Pink Berets that says, ‘I get it, I'm you, and I'm still working on it too, but we'll work on it together,’ that helps them understand that they're not in this fight alone,” Gattas said.

The Pink Berets gather for an event. (Photo courtesy of Stephanie Gattas)

The Pink Berets pose after a yoga class. (Photo courtesy of Stephanie Gattas)

The Pink Berets gather to go skydiving. (Photo courtesy of Stephanie Gattas)

Stephanie Gattas with Congresswoman Jackie Speier (D-Calif.). Speier introduced the bipartisan Sexual Harassment Independent Investigations and Prosecutions (SHIIP) Act to move prosecutorial decisions for sexual harassment from commanders to the new special trial counsel. (Photo courtesy of Stephanie Gattas)

Ayana Brown speaks at webinars and events on Military Sexual Trauma and shares advice on how to access resources. (Photo courtesy of Ayana Brown)

Stepahnie Gattas holds an engraved Pink Berets sign. (Photo courtesy of Stephanie Gattas)

‘Getting my life back’

Helping others heal and seeing the impact of the organization has also helped Gattas.

“In order for me to really speak to the power behind the programs, I really needed to immerse myself in them,” she said. “And the moment that I did, it was just transforming.”

Gattas sits on the Defense Advisory Committee for the Prevention of Sexual Misconduct which provides the DOD and Congress independent advice and recommendations on the prevention of sexual assault involving service members. She also sits on the Women Veterans Task Force and is part of a sexual assault and harassment prevention work group for the secretary of the Department of Veterans Affairs.

Brown, who is an ambassador for the Pink Berets, started R.E.A.C.H. Peer Support Services, to help other soldiers, veterans and their families navigate the Department of Veterans Affairs or other organizations. She also speaks at events to educate and raise awareness about sexual assault in the military and finding resources for caregivers and families.

“It’s really me getting my life back,” Brown said.

Brown, who is certified in anger management and as a peer specialist, is studying clinical mental health counseling at Texas Tech University.

“If this organization and the programs in the organization can help change the trajectory of someone's life, then we've created an organization that could potentially save lives,” Gattas said.